Just Not Enough Time

How does one re-enter the blogosphere after a 7 month absence? I guess you just start typing and see if anyone is still out there.

This parenting thing is HARD, man. I've been a dad for over 2 years now, and one would think that I would have it under control, but it seems like I'm getting WORSE at dealing with the all-encompasing demands that fatherhood places on me daily. To say that I had taken my free time for granted would be the mother of all understatements. I am only now realizing that my mechanism for coping with life's stresses was entering a mindless state of total relaxation. The time I had 'pre-Bauer' to recharge was spent aimlessly drifting between whatever whim of wind hit my sail. I distinctly remember having times where I would ask myself "what do I want to do now?". Ha! Those days are long gone baby, as my days are FULL from the moment I wake up until the moment the boy goes to bed. My previous times of rest no longer exist as any free moment is immediately gobbled up by the need of my toddler.

The only redeeming facet of my new life dynamic is the fact that I've been forced to truly prioritize what I want to accomplish with my waking hours. The youthful days of keeping up with each of my many passions while still making exercise and quiet time priorities seem to be gone forever. They're gone; and I'm in mourning. Now, I have to let go of some things in order to find time for new things. I must give up something to gain something, when in the past I could just add and add and add. Being forced to place value on certain activities and pursuits has often brought me back to the same phrase "But I can't give that up, I've got to keep doing that". Whether through cultural pressure, or upbringing, or my own assumptions, there are things in my life that I've labeled as untouchable. These things cannot be cut out. Examples: I MUST put all my effort into my career to be as successful as possible. I MUST provide the best things for my family. I MUST send my son to the best college possible. I MUST focus on getting better on the golf course. I MUST become a better guitar player. I MUST stay in peak phjysical shape. I MUST buy this. I MUST be involved in that. I MUST, I MUST I MUST! But must I? Really?

In my head, I tell myself that if my son doesn't get the best education possible, I'm a bad parent. If I'm not killing myself for success at the office, I'm a lazy bum. If I'm not getting better at golf, I'm going to wake up one day and never have reached my goals. The theme is the same: If I don't _____, then I'm a FAILURE. Well, thanks to some good friends, a great wife, and a wise therapist, I've spent the past few months deconstructing these if/then lies that I've been telling myself. Rather than attempt to trudge through life with all these expectations heaped on my shoulders, I've been learning the liberting skill of rest. I'm developing a sense of self that is independent of my ability to live up to expectations or to perform. I'm learning to just BE.

And what are the results of this evolution? I'm finding more time, energy and heart to focus on other people, in the moment at hand. Its amazing how, by just removing the pressure of 'musts', your efforts become more whimsical; more adventureous; more joyful. My goal is to become that rare person who pursues life with great passion and drive, but does it all for the pursuit itself; not the reaching of goals. I need to continue to learn that there is a place between success and failure, and it's called contentment. Contentment is fueled with gratitude for what I HAVE, not what I SHOULD HAVE. If the accolades of success come my way, will I enjoy them? Of course! But I will not tie my sense of self to them.

So my lack of free time is starting to change in feel and appearance. By choosing to embrace my role as father, I'm not risking a bunch of failures in the unattended areas of my life. I'm choosing, each day, to take what the day is giving me and enjoying it for what it is. Tomorrow may bring something else completely, but I'll worry about that tomorrow.

Oil Spills and Blame

The mess in and surrounding last month's oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has caused a lot of people to do some evaluating and introspection, but most of this is going on silently within the individual. Outwardly, it seems that the only option in responding to the horrors of the dead animals, the economic calamity, and the loss of human life is to find someone to blame. As could be expected, most people are blaming BP or the President, or both. But in any case, very few people with the ability to speak out on the matter have responded with anything other than anger and threats towards the party believed to be at fault. As I've processed the situation from afar, my mind has taken towards analyzing this blame onslaught and why it has become such a predictable response to any negative outcome or event in people's lives.

My mind has drifted to my own world, the world of being a follower of Jesus, and how/if blame should fit into my response to anything in the world. I know that I am called to seek justice for the oppressed, and to seek things that are pure and loving. I know that there are obviously bad things caused by people with bad intentions. But I am having a lot of trouble in finding ways that blame can be a kingdom building response.

From my observations, when a Jesus-follower responds with blame, it is mostly tied to anger. For many years of my 'christian life' I was taught that blame was a way to show your disapproval for non-christian things. The high birthrate amongst single mothers was the fault of women being being more promiscuous than they used to be. Issues with gang violence was blamed on the saggy pantsed, rap-music listening young generation. Home foreclosures were due to people being stupid with their money and buying more home than they could afford. Why each of these statements has a degree of truth to them, I believe that blaming people for their decisions is a smoke screen that gives off the appearance of piety and religious devotion, but is actually a cheap substitute for the revolutionary kingdom instituted and described by Jesus.

If we look at Jesus' life and his interactions with people, he undoubtedly came across people that made mistakes. The disciples were idiots at times, he hung around with sinners of all shapes and sizes, and he encountered the results of poor choices/behavior at every turn. And yet, we don't see him responding with blame in these situations. The adulterous woman about to be stoned has always been used as an example of how we have no right to judge another for their actions. But even deeper than that, Jesus' response of grace and renewal shows that his purpose is not in making sure the poor decision maker gets identified. His love for the woman and his desire to see her be all that she was created to be is the underlying theme. What purpose would it have served for him to blame her for being in the position in the first place? I have a sinking feeling that if I were in Jesus' situation, I would have had the urge to tell her that if she wasn't acting like whore she wouldn't have to worry about being stoned. Why is that?

I think that blaming people for things make us feel like we're above bad decision making. It gives us an opportunity to show the world that we are above such things and that being a christian has given us the wisdom to see the results of our behavior. Its almost as if we're saying "How could you do something so awful? Oh right, you're not a christian so you probably to bad stuff like that all the time," with the conclusion being "you need to turn to Jesus because you're obviously terribly deficient in some way." I think we see it as a way of being 'evangelical', of reaching out to spread the gospel. By spotlighting the moral gap between ourselves and non-Jesus people, we are showing others how much they need a savior, right?

But Jesus didn't act this way. He forever destroyed the mistake-blame complex of humanity when he instituted his kingdom. Gone was the need to point out others faults in favor of building people up. His message of true love, regardless of mistakes, is part of what makes it all so revolutionary. He knows that we are prone to doing horrible things, but he loves us anyway. Does he want us to stop doing those things? You bet he does! But he knows that getting to that point requires the individual to understand their real value in spite of the mistakes. He knows that people make mistakes and do bad things because they are trying to fill a hole in their souls. They're missing out on the beautiful being that they were meant to be, and they're settling for a cheap opiate instead. So, blame doesn't fit in with the equation. Blame highlights their faults, and therefore insinuates that without those faults, Jesus will approve of them. If they would only change, they can experience the good life. But the good news says that the hole in their souls can be filled by something pure, perfect and accepting. And the most ridiculous and revolutionary part of it all is the fact that Jesus WANTS to do this for them! Yeah baby!

So why do we blame? I think its because it makes us feel good. It makes us feel self-righteous and it gives off the air of devoutness. It makes us seem devoted to Jesus because we 'stand against' the things that are not of him or his kingdom. We're acting as his purifying agents here on earth, and so Jesus must be pleased with us, right? The only problem with that is the reality that when we are acting this way, we are closing off our hearts to grace and compassion. In saying "what you're doing is wrong and that is why you are where you are", we are closing off the flow of love that Jesus has called us to draw from him and distribute to others with reckless abandon. We simply cannot blame and and understand at the same time. Blame turns the other person into nothing more than the personification of their actions, and therefore makes them evil and wretched beings, undeserving of love. All the while showing us to be the same. I know that many christians have the attitude of "I am showing them love by pointing out their sinfulness. By showing them how bad they are and how far they are from God, they will see the need to come to him." Although this argument sounds logical, it wasn't the method that Jesus used to draw people to him. The sad thing is that, I think, most of us use blame and condemnation as a substitute for the true kingdom life because we don't want to get our hands dirty. Its far easier to condemn from afar than to get into the middle of people's problems and risk losing our own comforts and lifestyle. The best place to understand this is to look at the Pharisees and how they formed a life that looked righteous, but underneath was just as, if not more, messed up than those they claimed to be superior to.

So if we are the messengers of a Jesus who is chomping at the bit to put other's hearts at ease, we should aim to be agents of that good news. When something is wrong, even if it is anti-Jesus and sinful, we have no right to go about blaming and shaming others. In doing that we are delivering a different message, a different gospel all together. Our blame needs to be replaced with a deep understanding of our own faults and our own acceptance at the same time. That will cause us to look deeper at the person who has done wrong. We will begin to see them as Jesus does, with a soul deficiency that has an amazing cure! We will burn with a desire to see them become whole again. We will begin to see their sinful actions as a symptom of a greater problem that is caused by a lack of love and acceptance that WE have in overwhelming abundance! When we treat the sinner's symptoms from the inside out, that is when behavior changes. To think that changing behavior first is part of God's plan, we are guilty of following a false gospel. A gospel in which we are better than others.

So when we encounter something wrong, let us strive to be agents of love and peace. Rather than blaming, lets seek to understand why the other person felt the need to do what they did. Lets look deeper to find the scared and incomplete person that is behind the action. Only then will have the opportunity to show the world what we have. Only then, will the revolution spread like wildfire.

19 Years in the Making

197.4. Who knew a number could make a guy tear up, but it did for me this morning. 197.4 was the number on my cheap, Bed-Bath-&-Beyond digital scale this morning, the lightest I've weighed since I was 12 years old and in the 7th grade. My weight loss story is both typical and unique at the same time. Lets start at the beginning.

Sometime in early middle school (I can't really remember when) I began to add pounds to my previously lanky frame. I grew up with heavy parental restrictions on the kinds of food I ate until I reached middle school, where due to my generally responsible character, my parents began to lift those, and many other, restrictions, rules and curfews that a typical youth would have. I know that my parents had their hands full with my sister, so I think they gave me more and more latitude for no other reason than they needed to focus on her during her difficult times. For most parts of my life, this was a good thing. I became very independent at a young age; a trait that helped me adjust to adulthood much faster than normal. But, when it came to food, it opened up a floodgate. I can still remember waking up in the morning and waiting for my parents to leave for work so I could eat ice cream for breakfast. Or maybe it was an entire 8-pack of waffles, or 4 massive bowls of Frosted Flakes. Whatever my fancy for that particular morning, I loved the taste and comfort that food gave me. I always tell people the stories of how I would come home from school, grab an unopened tub of cake frosting and a glass of milk and eat the entire tub in one sitting! Food was my refuge and it made me feel good. I had no idea the dangerous precedent that this would set up in my life. Because the days of peer pressure and pimples was right around the corner, and as I grew more and more anxious over my perceived level of popularity and coolness, I self-medicated with my old friend food. This, of course, led to a vicious cycle of getting fatter and fatter, which made more kids make fun of me, which made me more anxious, which caused me to seek more food as comfort. I'll never forget being called 'Jelly Belly' by my middle school basketball teammates (and coach for that matter). It killed me. I was a good athlete, but even my youthful metabolism couldn't keep up with the calorie shock and awe campaign that I was waging against my body every day.

The saddest part about being a chubby kid during such a developmental time in my life was that I BELIEVED what those kids were telling me. I took their insults as truth and began to form an opinion of myself that I was destined to be the fat/overlooked/single/miserable person that I had become for the rest of my life. My high school days were filled with hiding my weight and doing everything I could not to draw attention to myself. And for those of you that know my outgoing personality and tendency to run my mouth, that was incredibly difficult! Life was awkward, painful, stressful, depressing and debilitating. By the time I left for college I was in a fog. The heaviest I can ever remember getting is 268 lbs.

When I got to college, the freedom of life was intoxicating to me. I had a fresh start and was ready to put my school years behind me. I had made a couple of attempts to lose weight while still in high school by running compulsively, but nothing ever took hold. Then, in my first semester at Ferris State, I took a required Physical Anatomy course with a professor named Dr Robert Friar. One of our sections of the course was on nutrition & digestion and he introduced me to some eating principles that gave me hope that I could possibly do something about my weight. I'll never forget the dates. One November 7th, 1997 I weighed 254 lbs. On March 7th of 1998, 4 months to the day from when I began, I weighed myself on our old rusty scale in the basement of my parents house and the scale read 198 lbs. I had ran at least 4 miles every single day during that time, while often running 8 miles or more. I was so single-mindedly focused that I even had a few week stretch where I was running 5-6 miles TWICE A DAY. My eating philosophy was to consume whatever I wanted, in whatever quantity I wanted, as long as the calories from fat in the food was not more than 20% of the total calories. This was my commandment and I followed it militantly. I ate so much processed and sugar-laden food it would make a diabetic go into a coma just thinking about it, but since I was running so much and was also generally active walking to and from class multiple times a day, the weight just melted off. It was a victory that I had never experienced in my life. The foe that was my weight was so daunting that I never believed that I could overcome it. So when I stood on that scale and saw that the weight-demon was dead, a sense of dignity and self-worth began to creep into my psyche for the first time. Maybe my destiny wasn't to be silently miserable my whole life? Maybe I have the power to change my destiny. Maybe I could even find a girlfriend? Let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

Over the rest of college and into my early married years I began to follow a pattern. I would slowly start to gain weight as my motivation for strenuous exercise would wane. I would get injured or grow tired of getting up early every morning, but would still eat the insane amount of carb-filled calories that I had always eaten. Cereals, snack bars, 'low fat' everything and anything. Invariably, I would feel a deep sense of shame when my weight began to creep up. I had worked so hard to get to where I was that those old feelings of inadequacy and anxiety began to creep back into my life. This is where I began to use guilt as a motivator. The deep feelings of despair as I saw my life's grandest victory slipping away to defeat were what would get me up at 5:00 am to take a 5 mile run down to Point Defiance Park in Tacoma, WA before I headed off to a 14 hour day of work. The guilt would force me to redouble my efforts to 'eat good' and to stay disciplined. When I missed a workout, it killed me. When I ate a piece of pizza, I felt like human garbage. The shame was the fuel to my fire and I would overcome it all again, returning to my weight of around 210 lbs. This cycle happened 3 0r 4 times until I moved back to Michigan from the west coast in 2006.

Since 2006 I have fluctuated between 225 and 240 lbs depending on whether my fatigue from living life, or my guilt/shame motivation, would win out. I never got any traction and the old motivator began to take an even deeper hold in my life. I began to see it in my work life. Being in insurance sales and trying to build a business is very stressful work. At times, it can rip your heart out and at times it can toss you to the highest of highs. When sales would get slow, or I would lose a big case, or I would fall behind my production requirements, I would use the guilt to motivate me. Regardless of the situation, I would fault myself. "I didn't work hard enough". "I was lazy". Even when things were good, the joy was short lived because there was undoubtedly something bad waiting just around the corner. And if I didn't work insanely hard and perfect, I would probably lose it all. If I didn't give 200%, my agency would fail, we'd lose our house, we'd be homeless, and Brandy would undoubtedly leave me. This is the spiral that guilt-driven thinking would send me down every day. It even seeped into my relationship with my wife. Without divulging our secrets, lets just say that when you are constantly paranoid that you're not doing enough to justify receiving your spouse's love, it makes for a hard and tiring road.

In December of 2008, my son Bauer was born. Our first child, Bauer brought along all the trappings of being a parent. The time and energy requirements that come with an infant are endless. Whatever free time I used to have to devote myself to guilt-appeasing was gone. There was no more 'taking it up a notch' or 'going the extra mile' in business or in exercise. The stress of having to be focused on the boy for hours at a time was too much for me to handle, and my friends can attest to the fact that I HATED being a parent. Although I loved my son, I cringed as the other facets of my life began to slip from my control. Somehow, I was able to recognize the fact that if I was 235 lbs at my son's birth, the stress of the first year of his life was sure to send me to the land of the obese, never to return. A good friend of mine, John Kopecky, had tried the P90X training system you all see on TV and raved about it. He even became a P90X coach. It seemed like the just the thing for me. 90 days of intense training combined with a regimented diet that guaranteed results. I was motivated and determined that I was not going to go back to my high school weight. So, 3 days after Bauer was born, I started my P90X journey. Looking back now it seems stupid that I would start a program that required an hour or more each day to devote to exercise right after we brought our baby home, but Brandy was insightful enough to know my struggle and she was nothing but supportive of me. The 90 days were hard, but they worked. I went from 235 lbs to 208 lbs and became a MONSTER! I could do 18 pull ups (up from 1 when I started), over 50 push-ups and had muscle definition for the first time in my life. It was awesome! But even better than the sexy physique was the unintended way that the program made me look my health. Instead of just tracking my weight and my physical appearance, I began to look at my overall HEALTH. I became interested in things like flexibility, stress levels, digestion and disease prevention, etc. I ended my 90 days with the intention of being a new, healthy person.

If there was one problem with P90X, its that I simply couldn't do it long term. The workouts were so intense, with so many calories burned, that I needed lots of carbs to feed my body. A problem arose when I stopped burning the calories from the workouts but continued to eat the carbs. Was I healthier? For sure. But in the year that followed P90X I started to see that I was slowly starting to lose my physique and gain a little bit of weight. Enter old man Shame! The cycle was starting again, only this time I knew that the demands of my business, marriage/fatherhood and trying to live the selfless life of a Jesus follower had left me with an empty motivation cupboard. And since these stresses were not going to be going away for at least a few decades, I began my final quest; the quest for a sustainable health philosophy. I actually remember talking to God in one of my desperate moments when it seemed I was losing control. I just pleaded with him to help me deal with this entire issue, once and for all. Within a few days I saw a Facebook post of my friend and P90X guru John about something called 'living primally'. I asked him what it was all about and he pointed me to the website of a trainer/nutritionist named Mark Sisson. Mark had just released a book called 'The Primal Blueprint' which was a summary of his 2 decade study into health, exercise, genetics and conventional wisdom. Something inside of me told me that I HAD to read this book. What I learned from The Primal Blueprint has radically changed my life. In a nutshell, Mark's research showed that the single greatest thing affecting the health of human beings today is the consumption of carbohydrates in the form of grains and sugars. I learned that the human body is actually designed to run on FAT, not sugar, and that the reason that fat is considered so bad for you is because when a diet high in fat is combined with a diet that is high in grains and sugar, the sugar is used for energy and the fat is stored away. Heart disease, diabetes and most other common maladies follow soon behind. For millenia, humans existed on the fat of animals for their fuel, along with fruits and vegetables. Grains were not even a food option for humans until a few thousand years ago. This new info blew me away! I had been told the complete opposite! I was convinced when he went on to show how much of our 'Conventional Wisdom', when it comes, to health is BS that has been propulgated by politics, lobbying efforts and a fear of disturbing the status quo. The life of low-fat, whole grain, engineered food requires 'Chronic Cardio' to stay 'in shape' that only exacerbate the problem by causing a craving for more carbs! Your body spends its life in a constant state of inflammation as it fights off the sugar that it is craving but isn't designed to use as fuel. Your joints, muscles and connective tissue take a beating while your immune system is compromised by the constant state of semi-shock your body must deal with. Lets not even get into the way this affects your mood and brain chemistry. REVOLUTIONARY! This had been my story and I immediately connected with it. Now, if you know me, you know that I like to feel like I'm on the forefront of an issue. When I see something that I feel is an injustice or a prevailing lie, I take great joy in rebelling against it and turning people away from it. Upon hearing the truth about human health, and learning that my struggle was due in part to the fact that the information I was going off of was not true, I decided to make the debunking of these mistruths my crusade. Tens of millions of Americans are on the same road that I was on and can't seem to figure out why their low-fat kashi bars, diet cokes and daily 45 minute elliptical trainer sessions are not getting them 'in shape'. They feel dejected and depressed. They feel like they are destined to be 'less than' the skinny people they see around them. They feel guilt because they feel that they're just not doing enough. And they're tired. My heart goes out to these people.

So how did I get to 197.4? I eat the stuff that I am genetically created to eat. Natural beef, chicken, pork and fish. Fresh organic vegetables, fruits and nuts. Farm fresh eggs (with the yolk!) by the dozens every week. My diet takes in about 20 times the amount of fat that it used to. I ate more fat in April that I did in all of 2009 combined! I avoid ANYTHING process like the plague. By body runs smoothly and without sugar highs and crashes. I eat a lot less. I sometimes go an entire day without eating because I don't crave anything. I listen to my body tell me when I'm hungry, but my energy level is through the roof! My exercise involves frequent walks with my wife, occasional sprint sessions to keep my testosterone levels up, and a general life of physical activity (I like to pick up heavy rocks and see how far I can throw them!). No guilt for not having the motivation to take a 5 mile run when I get home from work at 9:00 pm. No guilt for having a piece of apple pie for desert on occasion. No guilt for not being perfect. Instead, I have a sustainable plan to be a healthy person by making the right choice 80%-90% of the time, and to live a long and active life. I strongly recommend Mark Sisson's book 'The Primal Blueprint' for any of you who can identify with my struggles. Things have got to change.

These past few months have been odd for me. Without the guilt slave master controlling my health choices, I've been given the freedom to look at the other areas of my life where I use guilt/shame to motivate myself. I'm just starting to get a glimpse into just how much it has permeated my existence. I'm so excited to find out what a guilt-free life could be like. If its anything like its been up to this point, I'm in for some fun.

All the best to you in your victory over guilt and shame,

Dan

Great Blog from Greg Boyd

A great story of how easy it is to get caught up in the 'I am entitled' mentality. Great stuff.

www.gregboyd.org/blog

** Sorry for being gone for so long. Lot's of things changing so fast that I haven't had a coherent thought for a long time!

Greg Boyd gets it right ... again

A great sermon from my boy Greg Boyd up in Minneapolis. He talks about our Christian propensity to default to 'getting people saved' while ignoring issues of justice and hurt. Also, challenges us to realize that anything that divides us as humans is the enemy controlling us. The results being animosity, blame, war, etc. Also a fantastic challenge for us to vacate the idea that 'helping the poor' means giving them the American dream. Check it out.


http://www.whchurch.org/podcasts/sermons_hq.xml

-Click on "God's Heart for the Poor" on 10/11/2009

10 Years Gone

I spent the fall of 1999 on an internship in Washington, DC. Somehow I'd managed to fall into a posh gig at the world-renowned Congressional Country Club; a club that had hosted multiple major championships and boasted of a membership overflowing with politicians, lobbyists, dignitaries and the occasional celebrity. My job was to take the crappy shifts in the golf shop so the staff of golf professionals could oversleep in the mornings or play golf in the afternoons. I was only 20 at the time (I actually turned 21 while in DC and I will always be thankful for my friend Jim Schouller, an assistant pro at the time, who took it upon himself to make sure I had a birthday to remember. Two days filled with golf, casinos and a few too many watered-down house drinks in Atlantic City gave me a good '21st' story to carry with me for my life) and was still in the fast lane of growing up that had started the previous summer while on my first internship on Long Island. DC, and the months soon after, would be the some of the best and worst times of my life.

I'll never forget the day of October 25th, 1999. I was working a mid-day shift in the golf shop. The season was in full wind-down mode as the temperatures dropped and members kids had to go back to private school. Autumn in DC is truly something to behold. Such massive trees, bunched to tightly that the roads of the northwest beltway turn into tunnels of electric yellows, oranges and reds. After the brutal heat and humidity of summer, the cool temperatures seems to put everyone at ease to the point that even the traffic seems to be lighter.

One of the best things about the shop at Congressional was that it had three huge TV's for members to catch up on the latest news. So many members were deeply involved in the political system that we always had one TV tuned to CSPAN, which we would mute whenever the member would leave the shop. In addition to news, we always had a TV tuned to The Golf Channel. The network was still relatively new in 1999. Most cable systems didn't carry it. But the deep pockets on a country club with over 1,500 members allowed us the satellite access to pick it up. This was a glorious perk for us shop hands working for $8 an hour. It was on the golf channel some time late that morning that I first heard the news about Payne Stewart. The regular programming was interrupted by a news flash. A private jet believed to be carrying a PGA Tour player from Orlando to Dallas had veered hundreds of miles off course and there was no contact with the pilot. Initially, the name of the PGA Tour player was not know, but it was quickly learned that it was Payne Stewart. Over the next few hours there were additional reports that military aircraft had been scrambled to intercept the plane, and that the windows of the jet were frosted over; a sure sign of loss of cabin pressure. Analysts were interview as to the fuel capacity of this type of plane and there was speculation over how long it could stay in the air. It was also reported that the military was considering shooting the plane down if it looked like it could crash into a populated area. Then, sometime later in the day, the news came down that the plane had crashed in Mina, SD after an swift dive.

For me, the events of that day were surreal. The previous four months had been something out of a fairy tale for Payne. In June, he had won his second US Open title defeating both Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson down the stretch. The win was made even more improbable due to Payne's meltdown at the previous year's US Open at The Olympic Club in San Francisco. Payne had led that tournament from the outstart, and seemed to be cruising to victory when a final round of miscues and bad luck allowed Lee Janzen to catch and pass him late in the round. Losses of that variety would typically spell the end of a career, especially for a professional golfer in his early 40's; an age when the eyesight begins to blurr and the once-steely nerve of youth gives way to the shaky hands of middle age. So, when Payne rolled in a 15-foot par putt in the drizzle of a summer Sunday in Pinehurst, NC, the golf world had a new hero.

Three months later Payne would play a part in another major event in golf history when he was part of the victorious US Ryder Cup team. The victory itself was not anything of legend. The US team was heavily favored to win. But the way that they won, a dramatic final day comeback from a seemingly insurmountable 10-6 deficit, is what put that team into the history books forever. All this said, I couldn't believe that he was gone. Death had always been a deep fear of mine that I had done well to keep out of my conscious, but now I was forced to stare it right in the face. A major name in the sport that I loved had been taken from the world at the cruelest and most unlikely of times. It didn't make sense. It seemed unfair. The world recoiled from the same sentiments.

It was during the coming weeks and months that I would be forced to stare my fears of death, as well as many other deeply troubling questions about the nature of life, in the face. First, I had to go through the Y2K fears that were building leading up to the millennium celebration. I returned home from DC in early December and had a good month to relax before returning to college for the winter semester. I spent the majority of that time watching television and I was able to hear hundreds of 'experts' speculating as to the effects of the Y2K programming issue on our society. Most analysis was subdued and cautious over and kind of overreaction, but there were still some individuals who were saying the world was going to change forever. They warned of our communications systems being crippled, causing a halt to our economy, causing mass hysteria and panic. My father, in what he called an attempt to be 'prepared', bought into much of this and spend thousands of dollars on preparations for an upcoming disaster. I remember the night of New Year's Eve. I had been invited to a big party hosted by some friends. There was a girl from my high school days that was supposed to be there and I was really excited to see her. However as the ball dropped in NYC that night, I was at my mother's side, ready to carry out my family's doomsday action plan. As the countdown reached single digits, I remember being confident that the world was not about to come to an end, but there was a part of me that felt a deep panic that there was a chance I could lose the lifestyle that I was used to. I believe it was about eight seconds after midnight, with the world spared from meltdown, that I was in my car on the way to the party to see a girl.

Three months later, March of 2000, I accompanied my best friend Ben on an educational sabbatical to the world epicenter of knowledge and thought: Cancun, Mexico. We had been planning this trip for about a year, and to be truthful I was not nearly as excited as Ben was. I had fears about being in a foreign country; fears that were exacerbated by the understanding that I would spend most of my time intoxicated in that foreign country. I did my best to conjure up the "Whoo Hoo!" excitement that a college junior should have when he's young and free and heading to a tropical paradise filled with drunken young women. I even made a vow to myself that I would use this opportunity to overcome my fear of women and take the big step into manhood. Of course that never happened, but it was a fun trip aside from the times I had to bribe the Mexican police to get them to release one of my friends who had been arrested for urinating in public; twice.

I came home from Cancun recharged and ready for spring in Michigan. I was overjoyed to be back on US soil where I felt safe and protected by the generally-honorable society around me. I walked in the door of my parent's house, fresh off the plane, when my life took an amazing and unexpected turn. My mother greeted me in the kitchen, and after a good hug she pulled away I could see she'd been crying. It wasn't the "I missed you so much" crying, although I'm sure she had missed me and was happy that I hadn't been abducted by Mexican warlords. Her tears belied a deeper regret and I knew she had to tell me something. She sat me down on the couch and began to tell me that the muscle tightness in her thigh that she has been dealing with for a few months was actually not muscle tightness at all. It was cancer; the bad kind. She needed surgery and the doctors weren't sure of the chances of her recovery. The tumor was huge and surrounded a nerve. There was talk of amputation; disability at a the least. As I sat there crying with my mom, the person who meant more to me than anyone, the phone rang. That phone call would prove to be the turning point in my life.

The story is long, amazing and beautiful from there. The phone call was from an old friend from college who I hadn't seen in over a year. Her name was Brandy, a sweet and beautiful girl I had met during my first semester on campus. I had always had a crush on her, but our relationship was one of fun friendship. Nothing more. Over the next weeks I found myself taking daily trips to the Karmanos Cancer Institute in Detroit to see mom through her cancer surgery. I would spend an hour or so with her and then make the 2 hour trip back to Kalamazoo to spend time with a girl that I was fast falling for. Less than a month after learning of my mom's cancer, she was pronounced cancer-free. The surgeon had managed to remove the tumor while sparing the nerve in her thigh. Since the tumor was encapsulated, there was no risk of it having spread, and there was a strong likelihood that it would never come back. To add to the miracle, mom returned to her true love, running, within a few months. Today there are no effects from the surgery that removed two of her three hamstring muscles. Also within a month, I had found my missing piece. Not Brandy, although she remains to this day my best friend and a wife I could only dream of, but something much more astonishing. In my having to deal with so many core fears of death and abandonment, I had started to investigate the claims of Jesus. A Jewish Rabbi from 2000 years ago who had made some remarkable claims to go along with his revolutionary teaching. I didn't know it at the time, but I had begun the journey of the age, and I would never be the same.

This Sunday will be a bittersweet day. I will be up north at my parents house on the lake. I will be there with my wife and my sweet baby son. I will wake up with the knowledge that I have nothing to fear, and I will spend another day searching out the wonders of a god who loves me with a consuming fire. I will enjoy every breath. And I will think of Payne Stewart. Ten years gone.

Jacko Gots Me Thinkin'

Insanity. That's about all you can say about the past week since the revelation of the death of Michael Jackson. Tributes, remembrances, and the like have filled almost every TV station on my Dish Network, and I'd had my fill of all things Jacko by last Friday to be honest. But now that things are starting to wind down, last night I found myself in a moment of deep sadness. Michael Jackson is gone. And its a tragedy. It has absolutely nothing to do with his accomplishments or the adoration of the millions (billions?); nothing to do with his stature or place in history. My feeling was linked to the reality that death is coming for each of us, and it wasn't supposed to be this way. We spend our lives going from stimulation to stimulation. We assign importance to things that will surely fall away and be forgotten. We act as though our lives have purpose and that our actions are for an honorable purpose. But if we are to be truly honest, we have to admit the truth that we will all end up in the same place. All of our stories, regardless of their magnificence and splendor, will all end in tragedy. It will all end up as disaster in the end and none of us can escape it.

That is why I was sad. Michael is gone and he's never coming back. It wasn't supposed to be like this. The deep purpose I feel in my soul will someday become nothing more than a sick joke, and a forgotten joke at that. If I am destined to become forgotten, how can I live with ANY real hope. How can I find ANY real purpose for anything? I know it sounds cliche, but my only hope rests with Jesus of Nazareth. Say what you want about religion and whether you believe in a God or not, but the single greatest reality of my existence is my impending doom that I cannot avoid. I must admit that my silly and foolish belief that my life could be anything other than a cosmic folly is that greatest evidence that I have no idea what I'm doing or talking about. I'm a fool. So I find myself looking at all things through that lens, as it is the greatest common truth of my life. And the only way that I can find a reason to get out of bed in the morning is that about 2000 years ago, a group of a few hundred Jews laid their eyes and hands on a living, breathing man who had been dead only a few dozen hours earlier. It sounds insane, I know. But acting like Jacko was anything really special, or that you and I are anything special, is the greatest insanity I can imagine.

Greg Boyd Sermon

A great talk from Greg Boyd on how we present ourselves, and Jesus, to others. Check it out.


Search Itunes PODCASTS for "Woodland Hills Church Sermon Podcast"

Download the 6/28/2009 sermon entitled "Gatekeepers of the Royal Son"

A Little Lost

How is it possible that its already June? I knew that I hadn't written anything for a while, but seven weeks? For many, seven weeks is not long enough! Sorry to disappoint.

The past few months have been really odd in my life and I'm still in the middle of trying to find myself in it all. I think that all the drama involving my church family has finally passed, and I'm very thankful that its over. I've come to terms with the fact that things will never be the same as before, and I've even come to understand that it is for the best that they never will be. I just hate to see people at odds with one another and not totally committed to reconciliation. As much as I'd like to think that the church is different from society, I have to understand that the common denominator in both cases is the human condition, and therefore they will always look alike in many ways.

Coming out of that cloud I've found myself in a strange place. I feel very alone. I'm spending some time with a few friends to dig into why I'm feeling alone, and I think I'm on the right track. But, like my old church family, nothing will be the same. I'm starting to realize how unhealthy it is for me to put so much stock in my relationships with others. Not to say that relationships aren't important, but I've come to realize that I substitute my relationships with people for the relationship I should have with Jesus. I had a friend (courageous is he) recently ask me if I get any degree if comfort or peace from the knowledge that the god that created me loves me deeply. And after some thought I had to be honest and say that I do not. You see, the idea of Jesus is something I love, and his mission is one that I willingly participate in, but Jesus himself has always been distant. To say that I have any sort of relationship or interaction with him would be stretching it. More like I know OF him and am down with his cause. But do I really know him? No. Instead, I've looked for my own identity in my relationships with others, assuming that I would be on the right path if I was cool with everyone around me. Unfortunately, I've found this to be a painful path. I know that my predisposition to love people is a gift from Father, and I love the life that it brings. However, its gotten so difficult to juggle it all that I'm starting to let things fall. This scares the crap out of me. I guess that my deepest fear is to have all the people I care about turn on me and leave me. Being alone is how I would describe hell in its most cruel form. So, when a relationship goes bad, or even begins to fade, I get anxious and fear my whole life is about to fall down. My days are then full of avoiding disaster and trying to keep everything in order so that chaos can't ruin my little world. My life becomes all about protecting and maintaining. I can't live this way any more.

The challenge now is to dive right into the problem. How do I re-center myself around the identity that I was created for? How do I anchor my whole being around a god that I can't see, hear or touch, when everything that I CAN see, hear or touch tries to pull me back towards my old ways? Well, its taking a lot of time. I'm only starting to realize the level to which I am trying to keep my deck of cards from falling down. I'm learning to be joyful regardless of the situation. I'm learning what it truly means to be loved by god, and what unconditional love looks like. I've held on to so many lies for so long that its going to take a while to identify all of them and kick them out of my mind. If I lose my job, my house and all my stuff; I am loved and everything will be OK. If I lose all my friends and my reputation; I am still loved and everything is going to be OK. If I lose my baby boy and my wife; I will still be loved and everything is going to be OK. It's scary to even type those words because I still don't really believe them. I know that God loves me, but I still need to protect what I have because losing what I have will end me. That's how I really feel. But Jesus tells me that if I ingest what he says about me; that I'm precious to him and nothing I can do will change that, I will never be alone and I have nothing to fear. That sounds too good to be true. Maybe I'm scared of what will happen if I live as though it is true. Probably.

My biggest challenge in this new way of thinking is coming up soon. I will have to make some difficult choices that may rub some people the wrong way. People may become upset, or some may not understand. And I have to look beyond that and do what I feel is my destiny. Regardless. I can't tell you how much that scares me. But I have to remind myself. I am loved and everything is going to be OK. These coming weeks will put that to the test. Exhale.

Great insight from Greg Boyd

Here's a link to a good article about two other articles! I think Greg Boyd has his head screwed on right. Let me know what you think.

http://www.gregboyd.org/blog/dont-weep-for-the-demise-of-american-christianity/

On Easter

I'm sitting here in my home office after putting Bauer down for a nap. Brandy is off with some friends so I have a few quiet moments a home to myself. I'm looking out my window over the front field of my property; the sun is shining and my dog is asleep on the driveway. This is my element. Peace and serenity.

Is it just me or is the world getting noticeably noisier lately? I swear that the TV stations are cranking up the volume an extra notch when commercials come on. The main street in my town is more clogged than ever. More businesses with bigger signs that are all vying for my attention and discretionary dollar. The voices on the radio seem to be barking more than talking these days. When combined, they make this loud hum that serves as a backdrop for my every day. I really do hate it. But out here in the country, I feel a release; an exhale. Out here I am forgotten, and that's just fine with me.

Tomorrow is Easter. My church is planning a special event, as are thousands of other churches around the world. This is a special week for us and we certainly give it its due time and effort. I'm waiting for the annual news report of the group in Asia (I believe) that actually crucifies one of its members to show solidarity with the crucified Jesus of Nazareth of ancient Israel. Most churches in my town have some sort of special message on their sign announcing the times of their special gatherings. Its a big deal.

What my mind is chewing on this year at this time is the scene itself. The moment, 2000 years ago, when everything changed. We speak of the resurrection more often around Easter, but seldom to we really dig into it. What it really meant and the magnitude of its influence over human history. To summarize it as we sometimes do ("Jesus died and rose again for your sins") leaves out so much of the wonder and amazement of it all. Here we have Jesus, who had done a great job of stirring the pot, meeting an end that nobody could have guessed. Three years of time in the countryside, teaching about a kingdom that in many ways was opposite of what the people had been told. Their culture and history had been preparing them for someone to come and rescue them, but the one who claimed to be that person was nothing like they had expected. He told them that God's way of living included ridiculous things like loving your enemy, thinking of others as better than your self, and forgiving everyone who wronged you. He didn't speak of war, revolt, or revolution; instead he spoke of gentleness and being like a child. When he talked of power, he said that power was in giving of yourself for other and not using it for your own gain. Everything they had believed was being turned on its head. And many wanted nothing of it. Many wanted bloodshed and revenge. Others wanted political power and influence. And other still wanted a return to religious tradition. What Jesus had, they wanted nothing of it.

And over time the few that DID follow him began to fade. The utter lunacy of this man's speech and actions had held the attention of some, but the noise of the world around them was too much to endure. And they left him. I would have left him too. The voices of the religious leaders ringing in my ears, screaming of blasphemy and punishment. The voices of the mockers, who were so quick to point out the seeming foolishness of such a message. The voices of family, friends, culture and tradition all with the same message of condemnation. I would have left him too. The noise would have been too loud to ignore. And so what started as a revolution filled with life and truth and all things pure, would slowly dissipate into a few cowardly friends watching a bloodied Jesus carry cross up steep hill. The noise of the people's rage and malice was too much to even attempt to overcome.

So they, and I, would have stood there and watched him stumble to a tragic and humiliating end. The proof hung there in front of everyone. This was no revolution. This was no kingdom. What kind of king hangs from three nails looking more like an animal than a human? What kind of king screams in pain and in helplessness? This was no king. The world had shown his message and life to be that of a fool; purposeless and impotent. This is because in their world, the world around them and all they had ever known, he had failed. Hanging on a hill, he had failed to gain any of the things that the world would consider necessary to win. He had no friends and had been given up by one of his own. He had no power, as the establishment considered him cursed and had struck him down. He had no money or pedigree that gave him any standing or reputation in society. He had nothing in their eyes, and now they were slowly and tortuously taking away the very life in him. The only thing he had left.

The noise of that day would fade away rather quickly. I doubt there were many in Jerusalem who woke up two days later and had even a fleeting though of Jesus. I'm sure they'd seen things like that before, and with the way he ended, he wasn't worth even a moment of thought. And the world went on about its business.

And here is where my mind has been. There is a tomb on the countryside that holds the body of a nobody. A nobody destined to join billions of other nobodies that will be forgotten in short time. The noise has left this place and the air is calm. Sometime during that day the entire universe was split in two. Something happened that would shake the foundation of existence and literally transform the world forever. Not a speech or celebrity. Not a war or coup. Not a revolution or revolt. Sometime that day, with nobody watching, a human being that had been killed two days earlier took a breath; and then another breath. A step was taken. A blink of an eye, and a swallow. And just that fast the moment was over. The most astounding, significant, victorious and triumphant event that had ever happened, or will ever happen, occurred without even the faintest shout. No noise. And somehow that first breath that Jesus took in that tomb back then, had made my life worth living today. Millenia later, I live my life with the greatest knowledge that any man can ever carry; everything is going to be alright. I'm going to be OK. And that brings tears to my eyes even as I type this. Everything to going to be OK......

The people who had the power to kill Jesus had earned that power. They had intentionally made decisions to gain for themselves the wealth, influence, or whatever was needed to become someone who can choose to have another person killed. And once that kind of power is attained it must be protected. It must be sustained. Nobody stays in power forever as others will always strive to take that power away for themselves. This is the game we've created as humans. We seek to be able to control the game and make the up our own rules to benefit ourselves. And, of course, others wish to have that same power and will some day find a way to take it away. The cycle is as old as time and is showing no signs of going away any time soon. It was through this lens that Pilate, the crowds and the Pharisees viewed Jesus. He was a threat to each of them; a different threat for each but a threat still. In their attempts to keep their power they had Jesus put to death. And how did they get that done? They made noise. The crowds used their mob power to influence Pilate. The Pharisees used their religious status to make the public allegations against Jesus. Pilate used the grand stage he was given as governor to deliver the speech that would result in the sentence of Crucifixion. And isn't it just beautiful, and just like Jesus, to overthrow them all with the simplest of bodily functions in a cave with nobody watching. That's real power. That's power that doesn't need to dethrone the powers that be in order to gain influence. Its the kind of power that authored the very idea of influence and, ironically, controls who gets to sit in the world's thrones. And to see such a power revealed in such a soft and serene place, in a way that would seem silly to the powers this world, gives great testimony to the character of the being who wields that power.

So tomorrow I'll go to my church and participate in Easter service. But sitting here looking out over my field I think I get it. The true essential power of all things, the God of the universe, has made himself known to us. He taught us what his kingdom is like and what he is like. He suggested the craziest of things that would make even the most gullible person question. And later, with that breath, he showed that he can be trusted. His power will never fade and nobody will unseat him from his throne. He's looking out for me and I know that I'm going to be OK. And for that, he has my love.

No More Gymnastics

"How do I reconcile that in my mind?" is a question I've been asking myself a lot recently. To systematically and regularly be forced to reevaluate many things in my life that I have long placed in the "untouchable" has been painful and lonely. How can anyone honestly enjoy that sort of thing? I think that much of my life has been spent trying to analyze my surroundings in a continual effort to come up with things that are true and will always be true. In a world and in a psyche that are ever-changing, I look for something to be my bedrock, my base of operations. I thought that I had already done this back in 2000-2003 when I first began to investigate the claims of Jesus. It was a long and arduous road that left me exhausted and confused more than it left me enlightened or content. But I did find what I was looking for. So the bedrock of my life became these things of church, Christianity, conservatism and occasionally Jesus. They were settled and untouchable.

Now I find myself in that old mode of asking lots of questions and getting torn in two directions between what I know to be true and the exposure of that truth to be something much more debatable. It feels like I'm on a waterbed and no matter what I do, I can't get things to settle down. I've lost my base of operations and it feels like life is taking me on a ride that I have no control over. I can't reconcile some things in my mind and its forcing me AWAY from many things that I have known and have held dear for many years now.

I can't reconcile my own zealousness for scriptures, and my claim to live by them, when my life does not look like the one shown in the scriptures. For claiming to be Jesus' follower, I find very little of my life that parallels the lives of the 12 or of the young church. If I were to list the traits of Jesus and his early followers I would come up with words like compassionate, selfless, giving and patient, or phrases like 'willing to suffer for others who don't deserve it' or 'thinks of others as more important than self'. But I don't live in a world like that, and I am certainly not like that. My life as a follower is defined by things like 'outwardly moral', 'opposed to this or that', or 'doctrinally sound'. There's nothing in there that suggest I am anything revolutionary or world-changing. My life does not bear witness to the limitless love of our creator and it certainly does not communicate that love in the way the master showed us. His love is shown by giving his life for those that he loved. And those that he loved included those that hated and murdered him. On the other hand I show his love by telling people about his love in story form and retreating to my comfort zones. How can I reconcile this in my mind? How can I conclude anything other than the fact that I am unwilling to live the radical life that Jesus calls me to? I am unwilling to jettison the comforts and general easy-living of my culture in order to show Christ's love by giving of myself for them. Now I know many will say that we have the opportunity to spread God's kingdom in our everyday lives, but I just don't get that from the scriptures. The book of Acts shows a group of people that lived for others and each other. Did they have jobs? Sure. Were they concerned with the lifestyle of their family? I don't see any evidence of that. Did they intentionally set up their lives where they never had to be confronted with the true plight of the poor and oppressed (white suburbs)? To the contrary! It looks as thought they took great joy in announcing Jesus' good news to the poor and marginalized. They sought out the poor and gleefully gave all they had in an effort to show the hurting and suffering people in the world that God cared about them in an amazing, counter-cultural way. But not me. I'll go to certain lengths to 'share the gospel', but any analysis of my time, thoughts, finances and plans shows a life that is 99% dictated by the culture around me and the demands that it puts on me, and 1% devoted to a Jesus that I've 'worked in'. I am being controlled by things that have nothing to do with Jesus.

When I go to church on Sunday, I can no longer reconcile what I see. How much of our effort is spent on Sunday mornings! Is it too much to say that 90% of church activity is related to the show we put on Sundays at 9:00 am and 11:00 am? It may be even higher than that! We put all this time into 'church' and we assume that this is how god's kingdom is advanced. Where did we get that idea?!? When I read of early Christ followers, I see people going out into the cities and pouring themselves into their communities. We, on the other hand, set up shop and invite others to come to us. Jesus came to the sick and the poor, but we ask the sick and the poor to come to us! We 'serve God' by opening a door for someone as they come into church on Sunday, or by mowing a church lawn. How is God being served? He is very clear that serving him done by serving the least of peoples! But we see serving God as serving other people in our 'club'. How backwards! I sometimes wonder if we would even know if Jesus came back. Because there is no doubt that he would be in the darkest places of our world, and us Christians have set up our lives to avoid such places all together! Who knows, he may already be here. What a tragedy it would be to find out that the King of Kings had returned and was in a place where we had never been! Doing things that we had never done!

The scriptures tell of the first Christians and how they gave all that they had away and took great joy in leaning on God for their every need. They left nothing for themselves because they knew that God had given everything for them. The writings tell us that the people loved them! The poor loved them! People had never seen love like this; so selfless, so unbelievably pure. This was the earthly representation of the love of God, and it was beautiful. But I don't see that in my church today. We are not loved by the people. We speak of the love of god in one breath, and then completely invalidate that love when it ends with words only. We tithe, give to causes and contribute to things, but do we ever really sacrifice? Do we even look at our homes, our cars, our stuff and even take a moment to think of what those resources could ahve done for the poor and the oppressed? Instead we talk of hard work and how we've 'earned' these things. I cannot find precident in the life of Jesus where he tells us to work hard and enjoy the rewards that come with it. This is an idea of our culture and not of the kingdom. But I live it every day.

We have become 'morality police', patrolling our country for anything that god would call sin, with the insane assumption that god wants us to rid our world of the sinful and the perverse by overcoming it with laws and restrictions. Where we stand on certain 'issues' has become the mark that allows us to identify each other as Christians. How can I reconcile this in my mind with the fact that the world around the time of Christ was every bit as perverse and evil as today? Jesus lived in the midst of some of the most savage barbarism known to man, and yet he never made it an issue. GETTING RID OF IT WAS NOT HOW THE KINGDOM WAS TO BE ADVANCED. It seemed as though he was more concerned with people understanding the kingdom of god, how they each had a place in it, and how it was the complete opposite of the system of life going on around them. We have been given this through the scriptures, and yet we go as far as DEFINE ourselves by our opposition to immorality. When I hear of a christian leader fighting for more morality in schools, the marketplace and society in general, I can't see where Jesus calls us to build his kingdom this way. How does this show the love of god? It doesn't. Jesus wants people to know that he is FOR them, and we show that by dying for people. The removal of sinful things from their lives comes AFTER they experience God's love. I can only surmise that the reason we don't do this is because it gives us the feeling of righteousness but without the need for sacrifice. We get to feel like we're on 'god's side' while spending the majority of our time seeking the progress, success and comfort of our society. I feel like I've had it all wrong for all these years. I've been unbelievable selfish, and I can reconcile it with what I know to be true.

Is it possible that we are hurting the cause of Christ? Is it possible that we feel like we've got it all figured out, but in reality we're taking the kingdom backwards with our version of the good news? That we're reproducing Christian who are terrible representatives of Christ? I can't reconcile it any longer. I can come up with a thousand excuses why I shouldn't live the radical life of a Christ Follower, and I can probably even find some vague biblical references to back up my assertion. But I can't read the gospels, the words of Jesus, the stories of the first Christians, and the letters of Paul, and say that my life looks anything like what I read. And so, I am blowing up these things and starting over. I can't think of anything worse than coming face to face with my maker and knowing that my life was more about me than about him and his kingdom. And sadly, that is exactly what I would feel if I met him today.

It was good to see you again my friend

Hello old friend,

I can't tell you how good it was to see you again this morning. Has it been five months since the last leaves fell from the trees, the days became too short, and we last walked the ground together? Has it been that long? I've missed it; more so this year than any I can remember. It's been both a winter to remember and a winter to be forgotten, and I'm more tired than excited this time; which is not the way it should be. Looking back to October its a wonder that you even recognize me. I feel like I've grow old while I was away. I'm learning that its not the toils of life that take their toll, but rather the endurance of the transitions; effervescent high to desperate low to high again. Sometimes I think that I'd prefer a life of the mundane, if for no other reason than to spare my heart the grind of changing direction so suddenly.

I've had a son since our last time together, and he has brought a new definition of joy to my senses. The very thought of his smile can bring me to my knees in an instant. Its wonderful and frightening at the same time. To know that the whole of my existence lies in the breath of a 13-week old, and to know that I have only a fool's control over that breath's continuance, reminds me that I am truly helpless in all things. There are days where I only get to hold him for a fleeting moment; before work, before bedtime. And those days add up quickly. And in the blink of an eye a month has passed, and I have missed it entirely.

My family, somehow, self-destructed in front of my eyes this winter. And I could do nothing about it. Something happened, and then some people got mad, and then some people decided that it wasn't worth it, and then it was over. People who seemed to be at home in the core of my being, are now unfamiliar faces and occasional emails. Those of us who are left are holding on by a thread. We're hurting because some people decided, for this reason or another, that we weren't enough to keep the family together. That is a rejection that I've never felt before. And to make it worse, I don't think we ever crossed their minds. The issues and discontent were the only dynamics to be considered; the rest of the family and their feelings were overlooked. And now those left behind look at each other and wonder what the hell just happened.

Business was good while I was away. Remember how I'd go on and on about my dreams of being something big in the office? Remember how down I was at this time last year? Well, it all turned around. That big case went through, and a few other good things went my way and I made it! I actually made it! Brandy is so proud of me, and the company is so proud of me, and I am proud of me too. But I never thought that there would be a day when I leaned on my career accomplishments to get me through a day. There are some days that I've felt so alone that I would cling to my recent successes as though they were all I had. That, my friend, is a scary place to be. And so I feel a certain sort of resentment because I got exactly what I wanted, and it turned out not to be what I had hoped for.

Of course there are other things that have taken place, like my Dad almost dying in front of my eyes, that have added to my weariness. My faith in people is almost gone. My desire to passionately pursue anything is dwindling by the day. I don't know why. And just when I was settling nicely into my melancholy, you showed up again. Or, should I say I came back and you were still there. In all the insanity of things, I must be honest, I had forgotten about you. So, to run into you so unexpectedly this morning was a shock to the system. But it was good. I shouldn't be surprised, really. You've always shown up; each and every year about this time. And you're just the same as when I left you. You started with me in the manic days of my youth, when each day was a struggle for identity and validation. In those days you were my safe haven. You were my only true friend as we walked the ground. Later, I found you in all parts of the country, showing yourself in different forms and lessons, but always the same at the core: dependable, soothing, personal and grand. It has always been as though you were there for just me, as though you needed me, or as though I was needed to be part of something much bigger. I tried to make you something else for a while there, and I hope you know that my intentions were pure. I had taken so much refuge in our time together over the years that my idea of making you my nine-to-five seemed logical, but it didn't work out that way, did it? And I'm happy it didn't. The way our relationship works in relation to seasons and time is what makes it special, and I needed to try to make it something more than that to understand you better. And now, in my imitations of maturity and adulthood, we've come full circle. I found refuge in you again this morning, like I used to as a boy. But different. I've learned so much from you and you've been such a big part of my life that its almost as if we've come to our final resting place. We've seen it all together and you've proven that there will always be a place for you in my life.

So now we meet with something approaching transcendence. There's safety and familiarity and predictability there. It feels good. And I need it. I'm tired my old friend; really tired. I'm going to need your uplifting and calming ways more than ever this summer. I hope that you won't mind meeting every once and while to continue our conversation; a conversation that moves toward no end, but fits its purpose in its very existence. Is that OK? I'll see you next time, out in that fresh air. We'll walk the ground again together, just like old times.

Dan

Motives

We've all heard the sayings "nothing comes for free" or "there's no such thing as a free lunch" used to convey the idea that there is an ulterior motive behind every good thing in this world. Lately, I have found this to be so true; and now more than ever.

Now, normally this is the place where I, as a follower of Jesus, should go on a rant about how dishonest our culture has become and how the world around us is nothing more than a bunch of liars, cheats and swindlers. Regardless of how true that statement is, I'm going to spare everyone from the morally self-righteous pig out that such discussions inevitably come to. Instead, I'm going to tell you why I'm GLAD that the world is out for themselves. I've actually come to this cool place where I see the Jesus-like response to a society of selffulness. And its not waht you'd expect.

I recently got referred to a couple that needed some financial guidance. I, for a reason I have yet to nail down, have become a counselor for people in financial crisis. Its a long story to how I got in such a business, but somehow I miraculously find myself as a guru in this area. And, since I am a man who enjoys being know as good at things, I gladly take the label.

In any case, I was given the phone number of this couple who were in financial dire straits. I called them to set up an appointment to meet, and I encountered an attitude that had never entered my ears before. The story goes, I briefly told the gentleman what I do, how I do it, and then I offered a few options of times that I would be open to an appointment. Rather than give me dates, he replied with a warning. It seems that his wife had not wanted him to get a hold of me, because they had no money to pay me for my services. And therefore, the gentlemen continued, they would have to set up a payment plan if we were to go ahead with our meeting. My response was only partly genuine when I said "pay me for what?". He replied with "you know; pay for your services".

When I communicated to him that my services were not tied to any cost, he immediately asked what was in it for me. To him, there had to be some catch involved; some ulterior motive that brought my own interests into the equation. Was there some budgeting software to buy? A fee to help him consolidate debt? Some loan program that I could get him into? After testing all the angles, and fully expecting one of them to lead to his preconceived notion, it finally hit him like a ton of bricks. He actually began to weep on the phone. "You mean to tell me that you just do this to help out other people? That there's nothing in it for you?" he sniffled. I told him that there was something in it for me, that being the hope that I could help him and his wife get out of a bind. The ironic thing was that he and his wife had just been talking the day before about how there's no place to go in the world to get help without some sort of string attached! How true! Suddenly, I found myself in a moment of complete clarity on so many things.

The lesson here is that there is a great opportunity to show people what the real love of God is like. And, since the world does such a crappy job of showing any REAL love, service and long suffering, it really gives us a great gift. The gift of contrast. In my situation, the contrast between the cynical, underhanded world and my simple offer of true help was like the difference between night and day. A beacon on a hill, ya know?

Since that interaction, I've had a few other similar situations where people are quick to get skeptical, and slow to believe that anything can be truly altruistic and pure. To be honest, I like it. I like using the darkness of the world to show an unfamiliar light. And isn't that all Jesus calls us to do? In fact, I guess that I DO have ulterior motives in these things. Only my ulterior motive is to show the world what love looks like. That can't be a bad thing, can it?

So the world around us is sick and dying. So people are less caring and more devious. So it seems that its all going to hell in a hurry. Perfect. That way, any showing of loving service, in the way of Christ, will stand out even more. If we're looking for ways to show Jesus to the world; there you go.

Be Kind To My Friend

The inauguration of Barack Obama yesterday proved to be an important moment in my life, but not for the reasons you would probably expect. You see, I was able to watch the President's speech and his subsequent parade through the streets of DC with nothing but joy in my heart. Instead of the Dan of the past, who would have gotten all riled up over all those millions of people going crazy over a 'socialist' and a 'baby killer', I was joyful and optimistic. Jesus said that there would be evidence of his presence in my life. He used the analogy of a plant that is rooted in him producing good fruit. I always assumed that 'fruit' meant that I would not sin as much and I would vote Republican. But now I can see a much more beautiful fruit being produced by Jesus growing me into the person he wants me to be.



I now know that my participation in the kingdom has NOTHING to do with politics. It is not my duty to crusade against Barack Obama for his views on the economy or his stance on abortion. I am IN NO WAY representing Jesus when I get angry about "where our country is going" or when I talk with others about the end of the American lifestyle as we know it. The greatest liberation that I have found in Jesus is the freedom to freely love others without judgement; to love my neighbor and my enemy as myself, and to look at EVERY human being as a brother. And so it looks like this, when I hear someone taking Barack to task for all the evils that he is sure to bring on us, I get a weird feeling inside. Its the same feeling I'd get if I heard someone railing against one of my friends or family members. It hurts to hear people say such things about Obama. And after weeks of sorting out these feelings, I think I've come to an amazing conclusion: I LOVE BARACK OBAMA! I think that he's a good man with great potential. I love seeing how his girls adore him. I love his wife and the marriage they have together. I have nothing but the highest hopes for him both personally and as our 44th President. And when I see all those throngs of people so excited and full of adoration, I get excited. I get excited that there is something out there that is making people happy and gathering them together.



Do I agree with Barack Obama about many things? Certainly not. Do I think that abortion is a terrible and evil thing? Yes I do. But Jesus calls me to transform the world by loving the world, not by crusading against its evils. Jesus lived in times infinitely more barbaric than today and he never once got involved the political game. He didn't play on that playing field. Instead he created this 'kingdom of god' thing, where people are transformed by experiencing true, sacrificial and unearned love. THAT is what will change the world. Thank god that's the way it works! How joyous and free! I can love Jesus by unconditionally loving others just like he did. And miraculously, Jesus says that THIS WAY of living will be the revolution the world needs. My role in the abortion debate is to love the doctors performing the abortions just as much as I love the babies being aborted. I am to serve all without pretense and people will be saved. Unreal.



Do I agree with Barack Obama's economic plans? No I do not. Do I think that it will hurt the fundamental economic structure of America, that being the free market? Yes I do. However, I have a new angle on the issue: I DON'T CARE! I don't care if our economy goes bad. I don't care if we lose our status as a economic power. I don't care if we all lose the comforts and conveniences of our lifestyle. I just don't care. I am a follower of Jesus of Nazareth and, therefore, am bound to his kingdom way of life. I am not bound to my lifestyle and my prosperity. I am bound to Christ and his revolution of 'less for me so you can have more'. If Obama's economic plan gives more money to poor people and to those who don't have much, I'm fine with it; it isn't really my concern. If my destiny is to work hard my whole life and have it taken away by the government, so be it. Its not about me. It is such a privilege to live in Jesus' kingdom where I don't have to give ANY of my heart and focus towards 'building a life for my family' or anything else lifestyle related. Jesus had a right to EVERYTHING and yet gave it ALL up for us, and to think that we are called to place any limitations on our sacrifice for other's benefit in order to advance our own lifestyle is simply absurd. Its self-serving and anti-Jesus. I can almost hear Jesus, responding to someone complaining about paying taxes and having their 'hard-earned' money given to someone who is 'lazy' and 'won't get off their butt and work', saying "Where do you get the right? I gave my life for you, and now you're complaining about what you DESERVE? Do you really want to go there?"

The kingdom of god looks like this: I give all for you and you give all for me. We sustain each other by our sacrificing for one another. We give all and trust god to provide for us. THAT is crazy, illogical and an absolute freaking blast! In my life, I would hope that I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I would hope that I look for the best in everyone else regardless of its impact on me. And I would most certainly hope that Jesus' love would shine through me into even the darkest places. And so, I wish you well Mr. President. I am on your side; I am with you; and I truly hope for nothing but the best for you my friend. You are valuable beyond measure in the eyes of god, and you are the same in mine. Let me know if I can do anything for you, sir.

Standing for Christmas

I got an mass email today stating that it was my responsibility as a follower of Jesus to 'take a stand' against all this 'Happy Holidays' sentiment that's going around rather than the specific 'Merry Christmas' of old. Evidently, Jesus is very upset that we are ruining his holiday that was created to celebrate his birth. With the continued secularization of the Christmas season from its Christ-birth theme to a more religiously general (or irreligious) tone, I see a lot of people getting really upset. And I certainly understand why. This Christmas tradition has gone on for millenia and has also been a central part of the American culture since the country's founding. By changing the meaning and focus of this season, we are, without a doubt, losing a treasured piece of our nation's heritage. This then explains why people are so upset when they attend a 'Holiday Party' or a retailer puts on their annual 'Winter Season Sale', for example.

I feel the discontent over this has taken on a new level of intensity over the past few years as followers of Jesus have taken personal offense to these changes and come to the conclusion that Jesus is not happy about this de-christianization. Combine this with the perception that America is losing its general Judeo-Christian morality to a new breed of moral ambiguity and one can feel a sense of urgency to 'take America back for Jesus' (a statement I find to be a joke on a thousand levels). That is undoubtedly what spurred on the email I received that challenged my Christian manhood on how well I am taking a stand against this building tide.

My problem here is twofold, and they both run to some deeper issues within the group that call themselves (ourselves) followers of Jesus. First, is the idea of 'taking a stand for something' and how that relates to the kingdom Jesus is trying to build. Aside from sounding noble, the idea that Jesus wants us to focus our efforts on ideals, and not people themselves, seems to be the opposite of how he calls us to live. I I see so much of our efforts as a body concentrated on confronting things that are immoral, or anti-Christian, or anti-Biblical in our society. I see protests against immoral TV shows, homosexual groups, and the removal of Christian symbols (i.e. The 10 Commandments) from public places. I hear Christians speak in disgust of the current state of moral affairs in our country. I listen as older followers speak of a day when things were so much better and sane. And from these experiences I can only conclude that there is a large group of us that thinks that Jesus is mad about these things and wants us to change them. Its almost as if we are saying "Jesus has these standards of morality, and if we don't take a hard line against those standards, the world will go to hell in a hand basket. We would be letting our Lord and Savior down." Therefore, we spend so much time and treasure trying to force our morality upon people who don't share the same belief, that there come some unintended consequences.

When I see 'you' doing something that I see as wrong, and I believe that it is my God-given responsibility to snuff out these things, it creates a difficult dynamic. My goal then becomes to communicate your wrongs to you, with the intent of backing them up with biblical proof as to their evil. This acts accomplishes two things. (1) It shows that I am committed to Jesus by standing for his moral principles, and (2) it creates a contrast in your world that shows how bad you are and how much you are in need of a Jesus who can forgive your badness. Two birds with one stone! Evangelism wrapped in valor! Unfortunately, the overwhelming majority of people do not react with a 'see the light' moment and immediately make the choice to jettison their filthy old life and follow Jesus. In fact, it is human nature to resist someone telling you that you're bad and they are good. So people get upset. They reject the message on account of the messenger and get defensive. In some cases, they justifiably fight harder to validate their actions so as to maintain some sort of validity. After all, who welcomes criticism from another who obviously has no purpose other than criticism for shaming purposes? When this happens, there is an escalation in the interaction and each side digs in. The christian sees this refusal to accept and bow to the truth as a direct and hostile action towards God. If they were compelled to stand for the truth before, they must certainly see the fight to the end! After all, they are defending the creator of the universe against the forces of darkness that threaten the kingdom he has built! The wrongdoer also digs in to defend their own personhood that is under attack. And from there, things get ugly as both sides claim to fight on a righteous platform. I have even had people refer to these times as being 'persecuted for their faith', which makes them feel even more aligned with Jesus.

The second issue I have with this attitude is where it's roots lie. To have this attitude there must be some underlying beliefs that fuel them. In order to feel that it is our responsibility to vanquish immorality, and to keep it from making inroads into our society, we must feel that this is what Jesus wants. And with the fervor by which his followers execute this operation, it would seem that Jesus wants this more than almost anything else! However, I just don't see that in his Gospels. I don't see Jesus fighting to make his society moral. I don't see him using his perfection to point out other's imperfections with the intent of using contrast and shame as a kingdom-building tool. In fact, I see a real hypocrisy in the church in that we claim that the world is going to hell fast, and that Jesus will eventually have enough of it and return to slay all evildoers. We claim that we want this to happen soon so Jesus can come and finally deal with sin, once and for all. This is how 'kingdom' was explained to me. But on the other hand we feel the need to fight this tide and to complain endlessly as to how its ruining our society and our lifestyle. That just doesn't make sense to me. Also, to claim that we are 'losing our christian heritage' is insinuating that our society was once a good and decent place that God had obviously set up as his version of what his kingdom looks like. I hear so many comments that we are losing something that we had, and that losing it is not something that Jesus wants. In fact, keeping it is worth fighting for above all else. Its almost as if we lose this utopia that Jesus provided, we are slapping him in the face. I find this attitude to be extremely ignorant and self-serving. To honestly think that our country, and our society, had achieved something heavenly and now that heaven is being lost shows a real lack of vision. If we are saying that the world in the 1950's had less sex and less atheism than today, that is certainly correct. If things seemed more peaceful and respectful and honorable back then, I can't disagree. But to think that there was less sin in general is manifestly absurd. We overlooked things like racism and bigotry back then. We never think about how our 'manly' fathers and grandfather were, in addition to being the hardworking providers that we laud them for being, were also cold and unloving and judgemental. And what of the last century that saw the creation of an economic system that separates the rich from the poor further and further each day? Is that not against Jesus' calls to feed and clothe the poor?

I think that we've gotten our messages crossed a bit. The dynamic of 'fighting' for a cause is something that we are very familiar with in our culture. Our history is peppered with stories of valor and conquest in the pursuit of removing evil from the world (many of these are stories of war). And I believe that we've so bought into the goodness of those feats that we feel very free to assume that preparing for battle over a principle is something to be encouraged. Ever heard the saying "If you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for anything"? That speaks to our bent towards showing righteousness through the destruction of its adversaries. But again, I just don't see this in the scriptures. Jesus lived in incredibly immoral times. He lived under an oppression that would make any dictator today look small time and feeble. The leader of their occupiers ordered all people to call him 'lord' and ordered death upon any who refused. There was not a single element of life in Jesus' time that was not affected by the 'evil' of the Roman oppression. And Jesus came, as the rescuer of the entire created world, and yet never called his followers to 'stand' against these elements. He never insinuated that their allegiance to him would be measured by how well they kept their culture sinless; by how well they fended off sin. If that would have been the case, the book of Acts would have taken place in Israel with all his followers crusading against the evils of the empire. But instead, Jesus talked of something new called 'the Kingdom of heaven' and went to great lengths to show how that kingdom went against almost every instinct in the hearts of the people of his day. He talked of crazy things like loving your enemies and letting them beat on you. He talked about giving away the things that you feel you deserve for the benefit of people that don't have any claim to deserving them. He talked of bringing peace into conflict and spoke of living a life that would be a display of the love that God has for each of his children. He said that living this life would be very difficult, and through that difficulty he would show himself to be God. It was about serving all, endurance and sacrifice. And to finish it off, he said that his way of life may even cost you your life.

We in the 'christian' world talk a lot about trusting God and what that means. For us in America, that typically means believing that God will bring us through hard times. Sickness. Financial difficulties. Child troubles. I am in the insurance sales field, and I have been told that, when times get tough in my business, I can trust God to bring me through. That God is 'on my side' and that he 'wants the best for me'. The hope being that God will return me to my previous place of comfort and prosperity. I am on a email prayer chain that sends me at least 5 emails per week. Now I don't want to belittle any attempt to draw closer to Father, but this chain is 99.9% prayers for sickness. Almost every one asks for wisdom for the doctors and a quick recovery back to the way thing were before. Is this what it means to trust God? Are we trusting that God, in the end, wants us to be comfortable and to 'enjoy his blessings'. What if trusting God meant living the kingdom life he describes and trusting that Jesus is in control of the story? What if trusting God meant that when my school starts teaching that homosexuality as a viable life option, I don't respond with anger and judgement. I don't act disgusted and outraged. Instead, I continue to pour my life's energy into people; giving all I have mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially towards building this mysterious kingdom that Jesus seems so excited about. What if didn't judge the people who are 'ruining our schools' and 'corrupting our children' by crusading against their sinful message (its funny how Jesus didn't teach us to critique the sin of non-believers, but to hold fellow Christ-Followers to the highest of standards. We do the opposite) but instead focused our efforts on being the tireless advocate for people that Jesus was? That would be really tough because it would (1) take away the righteous feelings we get by fighting for the 'good side', and (2) force us to give up our securities and truly trust God to take care of our needs. The trust would be in God's ability to handle sin and sinful people (which he has shown he is eminently capable of ) and in his ability to sustain us as we do silly things like making sure our enemies are loved (not killed) and giving undeserving people the fruits of what we think we've 'earned'. Would we ever go so far as to say that our judgement of others sin, regardless of our intentions for that judgement, is every bit as evil and anti-kingdom as the sin that we are pointing out? That IS a message that I see Jesus preaching in the gospels, and the people were called Pharisees, remember?

So am I wrong this Christmas saga? When I say 'happy holidays' to my Muslim client instead of 'merry christmas' because I know that he's not a follower of Jesus, am I disgracing Christ? Have I let Jesus down. Should I not care about making making Muslims uncomfortable in favor of making SURE that he knows that I am a christian and this holiday is MINE? When my local government chooses to take down a nativity scene in the town square, is Jesus up there hoping that I speak for him in stating that our community will surely lose God's blessing for doing so? Am I wrong for thinking that all this is done to give the appearance of spirituality, but in fact is nothing more than a smokescreen over the foolish, painful, uncomfortable, dirty, unfair and gloriously beautiful life that we don't want to admit we're supposed to be living? When we complain that God is taking his hand of blessing off of America because of our lack of christian morals, are we not showing our true motivation, which is to stay comfortable, affluent and well-fed? If I choose to live the opposite life, will I be damned? If I choose to see the person behind the sin, and choose to build up the good in them without judgement, will I have to answer for that someday? Somehow I feel that I know Father well enough to say that I won't.

Its not about proving how noble and good we are. Its not about proving we are christians by standing for biblical truth. Its not about proving anything. Seek justice and trust God to provide for us. Sacrifice for others, show them lavish love, and trust God to keep you full. They will find Jesus through us showing them what he is really like. Jesus wan't about standing for things. He was about dying for us, and we should be about dying for others.


UPDATE: In an ironic twist, I just picked up a book this weekend that deals with many of the above issues. I'm about half-way through it, but its a great read. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Myth of a Christian Nation by Greg Boyd